Actuary Jokes

A life actuary designed a new coverage “Senility Insurance”. He expected low claims because “If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile.”

Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.

Actuary talking: “There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can’t.”

Question; “What do actuaries use as contraceptives?” Answer: “Their personality.”

Question: “What is the difference between God and an actuary?” Answer: “God doesn’t think he’s an actuary.”

A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by. “Excuse me,” yells the parachutist, “but could you tell me where I am?” The hiker looks up and says, “Yes, you’re twenty feet above the ground.” “Thank you,”

Ask an actuary “What’s 2 + 2?” Response: “What do you want it to be?”

In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They’re called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they’re called actuaries.

An actuary is one who, if you’re drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he’s meeting you MORE than half-way.